Sleep.

So I have problems sleeping, right now all i can do is think, think, think... I really don't know what is wrong with me. I try to sleep, but i can't. I lie in bed thinking of everything, life, Anna, work, school, money, and tomorrow - today rather.

Life for me right now sucks. I do the same exact routine every week, and there's nothing new, nothing out of the ordinary, nothing spontaneous, fun, exciting, absolutely nothing. Sunday i work, monday i go to school, then i go to work directly after, tuesday i go to school all day from 1-9, wednesday i go to school, then i go directly to work, thursday i go to school and have a 3 hour gap inbetween classes in which i catch up on homework due to the lack of time to do it any other time during the week. Friday, oh how i love but hate fridays, fridays are the only day i have off, but it's not like i do anything with my fridays. I pretty much wake up super late, sit around all day and sulk. Saturday, i work. Rinse and repeat this process. My life revolves around me working and going to school. I go to school because i have to, i really don't have a choice, if i don't then i lose my health benefits and my insurance. And since i'm so impatient with everything i do, i bought a car, i have to work, it is a must. If i do not work then i will not be able to pay for my car, and i will step into deep shit. All while my brother gets two free cars from my father, doesn't pay for really anything, and moved back in here and all he does is sit on his ass. While me on the other hand work 30+ hours a week, school fulltime, and still get harassed by my insane mother. My brother doesn't work that much, and only has two fucking classes, he somehow begs my dad for money and my dad gives him the money. Hard mother fucking life for him eh? I came to a realization that my life from here on out will suck immensely. I see no possibilities of it getting "better." I understand now, i understand that this is life, work, school, eat, sleep, and shit. All life is, is starting at a young age you go to school, then after school, you do more school, then after that set school, you do more school and then pick up a job to go along with school. Then you keep that job, and do more school, only to find a new job in which you have been schooling for your whole life. Now you're 25-30 and you've finally finished school for what you've always wanted to do, doctor. Congrats, you have now wasted 25-30 years of your life to become a doctor, to work some more! You lose your whole entire youth to schooling and working, only to work more? So you can provide for the next generation? So you can live at ease when you're 80? What the fuck is up with that. First of all, the generation before us sucked ass because they chose Bush. On top of that they put our economy in the biggest shit hole it's ever been in. Why the fuck do i want to live at ease when i'm 80, there's no point in living when you're 80. Hooray, you can ride around in a fucking wheel chair half dead playing checkers at an old home with a bunch of smelly fuckers. I don't see the point in life at all, it makes no sense to waste my fucking youth only to waste more of my time to live in peace.

Anna, now fuck her. I have no idea what is going on with me, and her. She is a complete and utter.. retard. She said i didn't try hard enough to see her, and that i should embrace life, yadda yadda yadda. She says she's picky, not spoiled. She says that i'm pushing her away. She says that i changed. Well wake the fuck up, guess why i changed? Because you're not picky, you're a spoiled picky brat. I tried to see you and you took that for granted too, like i didn't try hard enough, you spoiled picky brat. I'm pushing you away? Fuck yes i am, i want nothing to do with you anymore, i used to care, i used to want to know how you felt so i could help you. Now, you want to fuck with me? Well guess what, i don't give a fuck anymore, go cry to your ugly ass puppy dog cunt fuck, or your lesbian friend. Lie to me and tell me you're not into talking on the phone, while a few hours before that you are talking on the phone in a 3 way conversation trying to get trung on the phone too? Why not call me? Yeah fuck you. Complain that your life is so miserable because your mom and dad divorced and your dad is hard on you? Cry me a fucking river already, you spoiled picky brat. I'm done in trying to make it work, because in the end it won't, you don't want to put in the effort and i don't want to do all the work. Relationships aren't just one sided. I'm not going to waste my time on some young retard who can't even appreciate my support, love, and gifts. The hell with her, i deserve a mother fucking thank you and i don't get it. She said that she was a goal, and somehow if i got her, then i'm getting away from reality, my shitty life. And it could be true, i could be tring to get away from life, or i could be trying to get her as a goal or achievement in life. But i highly fucking doubt that. Before i actually realized anything, i truely did like her, a lot. But now it all clicked together, and i found out how much life really does suck, and how much she sucks too.

Well, i still can't sleep, and it's 5:00am, i need to get up at 8:00 so i can install my intake on my car. I'm pretty fucking stoked, but i want an exhaust too >.< i need to check my bank account. Good fucking night, i can't stand life anymore, i need a mother fucking girl i can take to the movies and talk to. Good fucking luck.

I can't change.

So i talked to Anna two nights ago and.. well it went somewhere, a little further than it has gone before. She got more.. in depth with talking about her and i as a couple. She's got problems expressing her emotions or love for me over the computer which is understandable. We've never met so we could act totally different around each other in person. But for me, there's something about her that always drags me back to her. Maybe it's because she gives me the attention i've never gotten from a girl before, or maybe it's because i actually do sincerely like her. I do worry about her too, last night her dad came into the room while she was doing homework and she left, then came back and said she was going to her moms and that was kinda it. So i'm guessing her dad yelled at her, or worse.. hopefully she's okay, i asked her around 2 or so if she was fine to make sure and she said she was safe. I lost some sleep thinking about if she was okay or not because she could say she's safe when she really isn't. I just know that this probably won't go anywhere merely because she can not do long distance relationships at all. She has a big problem accepting the fact she likes someone that lives 6 hours away that she's never met. In her words she feels as if "I'm in love with a computer" because that's the only way we communicate. It's depressing to know she's going through such a hard time and i can't be there next to her to comfort her and let her know how much i like her. I guess all it will ever be is just a friendship and nothing more, i should try finding a new girl to crush over.. Oh and i locked myself out of my work's office and i used a credit card not knowing if it would actually work, and it did. I picked a fucking lock with a credit card, it felt so badass. I'm one step closer to becomming a ninja theif stalker. Anywho, i saw this movie the other day, and i forgot it's name, but it was a documentry about Japanese Male Hosts, which is pretty much a strip club without the stripping. Women go there to get healed emotionally rather than physically. There's a ton of places to get sex or to get physical pleasure, but at this place the hosts rely on their way with words in seducing the girls into loving them. They drink a shit ton of champange, enough to make sure they don't live very long, they make tons of fucking cash, and their customers are actually relatively attractive women. The thing they pointed out was that the customers that come in are usually prostitutes that already get the sexual satisfaction because of their work, but they don't get the emotional healing from having a boyfriend. That's where the host comes in. I saw this and i immediately thought of george and i working as a host like that in japan. It sounds effing amazing. Anyways, i started this before school.. i need to get ready, later on party people.

No time.

Running out of time to keep this up, i'm just so busy now a days, work school, work school work work school.. My life is getting hectic and i can't control it, I have to work to pay for my car, and i have to school, it's not even questionable. Pretty much life has not changed and i don't know what i want to do with anything anymore. I just don't know... Anna and i will never work because well.. she just doesn't.. want it to work. Not only that, no relationship without physical touch is really hard to do. Michelle .. i have no clue what she's thinking or anything of that sort. Eh, i'm not really feeling it tonight so i'm just going to sum it up by saying my life is boring and stupid.

First Free Friday.

So this week i have started school, and my new work schedule and i've been pretty damn busy. Monday as stated previously i started off swimmingly by missing my first math class. So i went to school tuesday, and it was a little disappointing and boring. Firstly, i went to my English class, the first of the day, and there were no cute girls in it at all. I got let out early and had a ton of time to kill, so i went to the middle of the school where most of the action is and i saw my old friend Zack. I've known him since just about... Third grade and he's changed a lot over the years, he was super quiet and shy during elementary and junior high. Then he moved on into high school and bloomed into a crazy ladies man druggie. Any who, he's a pretty nice fellow and i spent some time catching up with him and then i saw the funniest thing i've seen in a while. There was a man, who looked oh about.. 35-40 possibly. And he was holding a sign, which i do not remember exactly what it said, but it had the word "Hell" in it. Anyways, i proceeded to move near the mob of people yelling at him and wanted to know what this was all about. I get near the crowd and they're definitely talking about God and religion. I ask a guy what they're fighting over and it turns out the retard with the sign is saying that everyone's a satanist. He's saying that God is not eternally merciful and our life right now is his mercy and once we die we go straight to hell. Somehow this guy think's he's amazing and that he himself is a saint so he will go to heaven. Everyone was yelling at him saying that he was crazy, that there was no such saying in the Bible. So it was pretty much a Jesus vs. Jesus battle to the death. He also had security guards hovering around him so no one could get in a clean punch or even get near him for that matter. His wife was there with their baby and a lady stepped in to look at the baby and say hi. Immediately a guard stepped in and pushed the lady away so she couldn't get near the baby, i laughed histerically at this. He somehow thought that this lady was going to bash the shit out of the baby with her water bottle. Now people might be a little angry this guy is on acid and calling everyone satanists, but no one is that fucked up to pound the crap out of a baby with a water bottle.

I moved on to my next class which was Psychology, and the teacher was pretty cool. His jokes were a little stale but still witty and funny. He said one that i laughed very hard at but a lot of others didn't seem to get it all that much. "My dog is blind, and when we take it out for walks i put red tape on his legs so people know he's blind." I found this hilarious which most poeple didn't really get it. I would also like to add that there were no cute girls in my psychology class and it had oh.. about 130 students in there, it's a huge lecture room. It seems like it might be a tough class, but for some reason i'm into psychology a lot and i like to realize my problems, and others problems and talk about it.

From there, i went to a classroom which was right next door into my Reading class. I enter and wait for everyone to arrive as i scope out the classroom. The class is small with about 24 people in it and there's not one good looking female in it either. I'm quite disappointed at another failure of getting cute girls in any of my classes.

The next day, wednesday i arrive to school and get into my math class, it's quite full with a lot of kids in it, and there's a few from school. I take a seat near the front middle of the class, and a good looking hispanic girl sits down in front of me, SCORE! I'm delighted to have someone cute sit in front of me, and i'm definite that math class will be one of my favorites. It's not just because there's actually a few attractive girls in it, it's because the teacher seems pretty cool, and i'm not going to have to try hard at all in the class. About mid way during the class, our teacher tells us to get in groups and says "You know, this is the time to get to know that person who you think is the cutest in the class." That said, the girl immediately infront of me turns around and asks to make a group with her, and i immediately said yes. I probably should've been my normal self and said "No", then replied with a yes sarcasitcally but she caught me off guard because she's very attractive. I invite the guy sitting behind me to join the group and we get to work. She's struggling with math but does a better job in it than me, and i find out she went to sunny hills, and knows two of my friends from la habra. Both of which are good looking guys with pretty good personalities so it's going to be a tough fight to beat that. Anyways, i'm not sure if anything will come of it, and i'm not expecting much, but we shall see in the future.

Today, friday, i meet up with Michelle around 3 and we go out to lunch. Same ol' Michelle, boring, talks about boring stuff in which i don't have interest in, looks cute though. She directs me to a Pho restaraunt and we get a beef pho. As i break my pho virginity, i'm deeply disappointed, i pretty much have heard only great things about pho and this sucked. This makes me dislike Michelle even more because she has such poor taste in food. There is no way in hell i would take someone here, especially because it has a B. Now B's are okay, but come on, it's not hard to get an A. We get done there, and we go to get a crepe at some chinese place. I spot a cute girl inside and immediately think to myself, why couldn't i be with her!? I order my crepe and it's decent, nothing that amazing and once again, disappointed. I take her back home because she has to get to work and give her a hug goodbye, after we hug, she stares at me and i am caught a little off guard. I of course turned away and said by, when i realize a split second later she wanted to kiss. Something is definitely wrong with me, because for some reason i will not randomly kiss a girl unless i know she wants to kiss too. And i want to know that by confirming with her that she wants to as well. It's probably a huge turn off to ask "Okay, do we kiss now?" But i don't want to do anything to brash and force myself on her and regret it later. I for some reason live my life with a lot of regrets and i need to change that. I don't know exactly what is wrong and i don't know exactly how to change it. But what i see is that i have no self confidence and i'm definitely afraid of rejection. I think to much about small things, and i have no confidence to do certain things, like look a girl in the eye if i think she's cute. There's just something really really wrong with me and i need to fix it somehow. I get home and fall asleep then go hang out with greg and brandon for a little while. Brandon takes off to a party hosted by my first actual girlfriend and i decline to go. Greg and i roam around a bit and look for this drink called Vault, supposively from what Brandon said, it's Surge reincarnated. Now you might not know what Surge is, but it's the most amazing soda ever made, and they discontinued it in 2002, and they only had it at Chuck-e-Cheese. So needless to say, i missed it a lot. We went to five 7-11's, albertsons, and a CVS. CVS was our final destination and we find it there and rejoice! I try it, and it's delicious, but it's not Surge, it's a little more citrus'y than Surge. I get home and talk a bit to Anna, and i become depressed because i want her so badly, but i can't have her and she won't even throw me a rope. She doesn't express her emotions about me to me, so i am just guessing she thinks of me as a friend and only a friend. All the while, i'm over here having my heart torn up still because i can't help but have fallen for her. I try to ignore it and just give up on it, but it's hard to let go. Hopefully i can meet someone new to have a good time with to make me forget about her. Good night.

Busy.

Well, i've been pretty busy seeing as how i haven't posted in a few days, let me sum them up for you. Saturday, i went to work, sunday, i went to work, monday, earlier today, i missed school because i'm very well educated and smart and set my alarm clock to 11:00 PM.. Yeah, so i woke up around 1:50~ and i got ready and left for work around 3. I sent an email to my teacher telling him i got a flat tire on the freeway and missed my class because i didn't have a spare, blah blah. Work was... blegh, not to great. I work from 4-10, not very many hours, but it pays. So i ended up staying there til 12:30~ and i just got home. The drive to LA is not that great, nor is the drive home. There was a crazy hobo beaner who jumped out at me in the middle of the street and i had to swerve out of the way. Ah good ole' LA retarded hobos! Anyways, i missed my first day of school.. kinda need to kick it into gear, so i'm going to leave it short. Oh, and i'm somehow going to go to Disneyland with Kathy? I forgot what i named her. Anyways, that should be draining... a whole day alone with a girl i don't really have an interest in. Dream on.

LA.

So, today was my first day working out of the LA office for Krypt.com. What a different work space, and atmosphere. I learned more than i ever have at the LA office than i have at the Orange office. The first day was just getting a little settled in then they put me straight to work, and showed me how to make a SAN, set up a switch, and so much more. I like it a lot at LA except for the fact that LA as a "city" sucks ass. Firstly, it takes me a bit longer to get to LA than to Orange, and Orange is a nicer city, with less... Hobos and crack fucks. LA has a lot of one way streets, with retarded monkeys who can't drive worth shit. And i have to PAY for my parking which is pretty much about 1hour of my work. Not to mention tonight i had to pay $12 bucks instead of $7 to some dip fuck beaner who wasn't even at his job. This mother fucker posted a sign "Be back in 10 minutes." And i was sitting there for 20. He comes back and says sorry, i have my $7 dollars and my ticket, hand it to him and he looks at the time i got in. 2:47pm. He says "It's actually going to be $12 dollars instead of $7." I am like "What the fucking hell, it says $7 all day." He points to the sign and says "Yeah only til 12am." I'm fucking pissed, "YOU'RE KIDDING ME?! I was waiting here for fucking 20 minutes you retarded dip fuck cunt nigger bean, and you want to penalize me for your absense at YOUR job? No fucking way." He wouldn't let me go unless i paid him the $12 dollars so i buckled down and paid. I got home around 1:00am~ and went to pick up george and get to the gym, we catch up on things. And then we hit the del taco, oh it's greatness. Yeah it would make sense to work out, and then put a bunch of fat shit in you to make it worthless? Right? As i walk in the house, my phone vibrates, i figure it's Greg and he left something in my car. So i set my food down and look at it, and who is it? Michelle, yep that's right Michelle. Now prior to this text, she talked to me earlier in the evening and said she was at UCR and she was going to find a ride home tomorrow, i said good luck and she never said anything back. Her message said "Yesh I fucked szs." Now, i'm no jeanuz, but i'm almost positive Yesh, and szs are not real words of the english alphabet. So i replied "You fucked szs? Had a bit to drink did we?" And i got no reply, i figured she might not be drunk enough to notice she sent the wrong text to the wrong person. Anywho, i have to figure out some shit for my sister so she doesn't epic fail for her class tomorrow. Good night, or morning.

What should I do.

Hmmm, I'm trying to think what I should do in my current situation. Michelle talked to me today, and i feel like she finally opened up to me a little bit. Her life at home is pretty strict seeing as her dad doesn't let her go out late at night, and nor does she get to drive her car to many places. Her dad paid some money to get surgery on their dog, and bought a nice ring for his girlfriend. Michelle's car is in crappy shape from what she's said, the engine is in bad condition, when it hits 65 it starts losing stability, and the power steering is leaking. For some reason he won't put up any money to help fix her car, or help her in giving her her cousin's email / phone number.

My words get pretty jumbled up when i talk to her, and i'm not that witty or funny when i do talk to her either. But she definitely does not want any type of relationship at all right now, but i don't know how she feels about a hook up buddy. Maybe she'd want that, and maybe she wouldn't, but it would be awesome if she chose me as that hook up buddy if she did indeed want one. I think, physically she's got a great body. Her face is.. semi cute, overall i give her a 6. Her stomach is very tight, she's small, has decently sized breasts, but her neck is weird. The neck is a little short, and her left eye is a little smaller than the right. I could look past these things seeing as how her body is in amazing shape. I think i'm going to keep talking to her, to see what she really wants and then just finally ask her if she wants to fuck when / if i know it's right. I don't really mind losing my virginity to her because i think she's a cool girl. Definitely not girlfriend material, but cool enough for me to respect her at least. I do care about who i lose my virginity to, and i don't want it to be a one night stand. But it's not so big as to she has to be the right one, or wait til marriage. I'm not religious at all, and i actually despise most religion.

Today has been pretty boring, and this is the last week of my winter break, also the last week of my work schedule. Hopefully it will change and i can get one weekend off to do some partying / hanging out. Or maybe i can finally meet a girl at school and build up enough courage to ask her out and get denied. Tomorrow, ergh, rather today, i start work at LAX because i might be working there a few days out of the week. I might pursue this job as my career and get Cisco Certified and all of that mumbo jumbo, because it fits me. I like sitting on my ass all day working with computer type stuff. Now i do not have a "passion" or "love" for this stuff, but it's better than working my ass off for minimum wage. If i can make 100,000 - 300,000 a year, i will be a happy mother fucker, and if i get older, make even more than that if i play my cards right i can provide for not only myself, but my future family. Now i think i have my head screwed on tight, and i really am looking somewhat into my future. Right now i spend my money on my car payments, food, and extra parts for my car. But hopefully once i'm done fixing up my car, i can start saving money to move out and buy a condo.

The resolution.

So i've thought about it, long and hard [that's what she said]. Any who, I went totally off the wall, and i was saying things out of my ass when i talked to Anna about her present. I felt a little bad, and i sent her a lengthy apology letter via the good ole' myspace. Now now, i know what you might be thinking "DUMBASS!" yes, you're right i am, but for some god awful reason she doesn't like phone calls, and it was to long for a text. Beth and Trevor talk every night right before they go to bed, either call or text, and i never got that from Anna. I am / was so jealous of them and his girl actually showing that she cared for him and liked him. I used that to fuel my rage against Anna, i just want her to.. like me, but i guess that's to much to ask for. I just apologized, but i feel like i'm still giving up on trying to make her happy because i get nothing in return. I just wish she lived closer, like maybe 2 hours away or 3, that way i could actually see her without my parents thinking "Where the FUCK is donnie darko?" Well, we shall see the outcome soon.

In other news, i think i have problems sleeping because i go to sleep at about 6-8 in the morning. I don't know why, or what's wrong with me, but yeah i need lunesta. I got free tickets to the Ducks game last night. Wesley's boss gave him two free tickets which was awesome. I got seats 5th row from the ice rather slow game, but i loved it none the less. Afterwards, i met up with Greg and Brandon. We drove to Kevin's dorm room, and it was a big bust, we wanted to watch Donnie Darko since we haven't seen it in a long time. Inside Kevin's raunchy room were 3 of his frat brothers, one of whom i met. I don't remember any of their names at all, but they seemed normal. Minus the weird black kid who when watching two and a half men said "Has that ever happened to you?! HAHAHA!" when Rose was stalking Charlie. "What?" .. "When girls are stalking you like that, it happens to me all the time, not like that, but stalk me, it sucks." This was a rather weird statement and made me think differently about the young retard in the corner. Anyways, we decided to leave the dorm and head on over to In n Out. On our way to In n Out we were listening to love line. The second and last question we heard on love line was "My girlfriend wants me to piss in her mouth." Everyone went nuts in the car, because well, we're weird as fuck. Ah, the amazing In n Out goodness, we were there for a while, and Brandon brought up the odd little thought of his. "Have you ever thought about your mother kissing you after giving your dad a blow job?" Yes brandon, i have. This is what this guy thinks about, a guy who gets 4.0's and got a scholarship into some random private school in Iowa. We leave to go back to Kevin's dorm, and his fratards are gone, and his smelly emotastic roomate is in there. We decide to leave Kevin's dorm to find another place to watch Donnie Darko, and we end up sitting in his hall watching it til 3 in the morning. Donnie Darko is just plain amazing, the theory's behind it, great imagination, weird plot twist, the actors. Everything in that movie was great. That ended my night, except for the fact, i stayed up till 6 in the morning again.

It's too late... Apology not accepted.

Well well well, i've been talking for quite some time, i wonder if i'll be the same in a year. Or i wonder if i'll even keep writing in say... two months? Who knows, i sure as hell don't.

What i do know is that i am definitely over Anna. She apologized to me today, but what she didn't realize is that she used Trevor's exact words to apologze to me. I knew she was full of shit, and she didn't even realize what she did wrong. What she thought is, oh i didn't say it right, so i should probably tell him what he wants to hear now. Yeah that's exactly what i don't want to hear, i don't need you to lie to me to make me feel better. She thinks that somehow she can make it better by not putting feelings behind her apology and just saying what she thinks i want to hear. I don't understand her at all, most girls i kind of understand, but this one... This one i can't. She can't just come waltzing back in thinking everything will be hunky doory when she apologizes. I was hurt, and hurt bad, i put it all on the line and she just stomped the yard on it. I don't know if i even want her to come down to LA or go with me to Japan, i'm thinking most likely no. I pretty much told her she was a spoiled bitch, and how i can't please her, so why should i even try to do shit for her anymore. I'm over getting fucked in the face every time i try to open myself to her, when she just completely shuts down and ignores my feelings.

Well any who... I helped save what happened between Trevor and Beth. Basically someone asked Trevor if him and Beth were together, and he said yes, she said no, we're "talking" Hell if i know what "talking" means. But anyways, Beth came to me, first time, and asked for my opinion on if i would get sad/mad/angry if that happened to me. I pretty much just opened up her mind to a new reality she never understood and i guess i understand girls better now. They're a rather dumb sex, she thought that somehow Trung was supposed to know exactly what she was thinking without ever asking him about it, or consulting him about it. I just realized how girls don't always play mind games with you on purpose, they do it on accident because they're so god damn dumb.

I spoke to my co-woker/manager about my job. What had happened was, i talked to my uncle, and he kind of suggested i tried to get a job at costco. I was set on applying and trying to get it, but i have decided that i am going to stay in the field of Computer Networking. Hopefully Greg can get a job there, we can save up some money, and move into a Condo. We shall see what the future brings us.

Oh how i wish i could find the girl of my dreams.

Realization.

I don't know how, what, where, when and why. Anna has always been an only child, she's always come to me for advice, and i've always been glad to help her. Her problems are very mild, and she's rather dumb about knowing how to deal with them. I suppose that i am her go to guy when it comes to her problems because i actually have the patience for her stupidity. Now i knew a while ago that she acted very selfish, spoiled, and was a some what bitch. But recently i thought she changed, i don't think she changed, the thing that changed was my view of her. She somehow blinded me to make me run around like a retarded chicken with his head cut off. I don't know how this happened but all of a sudden i ignored all of the facts, and only believed in the fallacy. I thought Anna had changed into a new woman when there were no signs of change. The mere fact that she was going to come down here, gave me the red flag saying "Here it is, your one and only chance to have sex with her." I guess somehow this fucked me over, and i thought by some divine power, by being nice to her and buying her a gift i could gain entry into her vagine. So i ignored the fact that she was a spoiled brat, she was needy, whined a lot, well basically your typical 16 year old female only child. She had all of those traits plus some baggage. But all i could think about was "Oh wow, i can actually hang out with her! I can't wait! I should be extra nice to her to make sure she actually wants to hang out with me." Anyways, i think it happened way before that, but i think it only added to the equation. So Anna recieves my gift today and says "WOW... Thank you, spenser! i was speechless. and had a hard time reading your name... wow. you make me feel more guilty." Boy, i was confused, i forgot i sent the package and i didn't know it would arrive so early. But after realizing it, i felt so good inside. She proceeded to say "Thanks a bunch".. "Your gift" after i asked "What" twice... then she found a box of matches, shot Smokey, and proceeded to burn down the trees. After saying, "Oh you're welcome, it was supposed to be a surprise, i hope you like it" she says .. "Yeah. no more smaller sizd available?" I think to myself.. oh fuck it's too damn small! Mind you i've never seen a full body picture of this girl. I ask her if it doesn't fit. "Yeah. haha its like another arm haha." Great dumbshit, you bought a large or something? The size said 12, i didn't know what it ment, shoot! I said.. "Ahhh.. i'm sorry.. you can send it back and i can return it.. this is the reason i kept asking you for a full body picture lol. [This wasn't the reason exactly.. but somewhat, i wanted to know what she freaking looked like.] She said "Hm. Awkwawrd.." me, "What?" "Someone sends a clothing a really big size then its ya lolol. "Well.. oh well.. i tried." her, "Thank you i like teh scarf i thought it was my magazines that came." me, "Well, this is disappointing.. you like the scarf and the coat doesn't fit.. sigh.." And this was pretty much the end of it. I didn't realize it as much when i was talking to her. But looking back at it, and re reading it, talking to my friends about it i realize what a bitch she really is. I'm definitely done with her, i can't believe i was going to drive 6 hours for that. And i'm even more pissed off i wasted 60 bucks + 18 shipping for her. I am just in a state of.. PISSED THE FUCK OFF. Who does that, honestly, yeah thanks for the gift, it sucks ass and doesn't fit me i hope you feel like shit now. I'm totally pissed off right now, and i can't stand how dumb and unaware of people's feeling she is. There really is no excuse for this, i can't understand what was going through her head. It's just so.. RAWR i don't even know. What i do know for sure is i'm not going to see her spring break even if she does come down, and i'm definitely not going to Japan with her. I'm done and over it. It seems immature and childish to change my feelings that quick, and i agree but i just don't know how i got sucked into it. I'm so ticked off at myself, and her that i just want for my life to change dramatically right now. I decided on a bunch of new stuff especially it being the new year. I'm going to train my ass off, eat healthy, and try to save up for a condo. I'm set on these three main things until i accomplish them. I want to meet some new people, engage in the world of romance, hook ups, girls, parties, raves, clubbing, everything. I feel like a new man realizing how dumb i was getting minipulated and doing such irrational stuff. I crush way to hard, and i need to stop putting the pussy on the pedestal get over it, look out for myself and fuck what others think.

Good ole' first.

Well tonight was something, i think i might try to change my life after a long talk with my uncle. Let's see here. Today started out like any other Jan 1st. I drove my sister to my dad's side of the family where they have a get together at a park. It was nice, i saw my cousins, second cousins, third cousins, what not. I met a new friend Alex, he does amazing hip hop / break dancing, and he also works for an urban clothing company. Any who, after that i proceeded to drive to my mom's side of the family. I helped cook, make sushi, etc. Near the end when everyone left, i was caught sitting alone watching an endless reel of mythbusters when my uncle decided to talk to me. I don't know how it happened, or when it did really but i estimate i talked for a good 2-3 hours with him. Now for a little backround. His son is about 10 years older than me and i look up to him quite a bit. His daughter is very creative, a weird individual whom i would love to be like. All of my cousins are cool in their own way, but i must say that i really do envy both of these cousins the most. Well, my uncle started to talk to me about life, his life, his kids, my parents, everything in general. I learned what a hard life he went through, and i can't even imagine how hard it must have been for him. He was a bastard child hooked on drugs, alcohol, with an abusive step father, and a fucked up mother. His life came straight out of a story book and i was just amazed i couldn't even say anything. He changed his life so dramatically and turned into such a good man that he has become a major role model within my life now. The way he views things, talks about things, and knows about things is just so interesting. I understand him when he talks about stuff and agree with almost everything he says. Until he started talking about the bible i thought he was the most amazing person ever. I have nothing against someone who believes in God, but i just can't justify it. He claims that all of the answers are in the bible and i don't believe that one bit. I'm sure it can give you some good morals or teach you to be good, but a lot of people take it to far, and i just don't believe in it. Anyways, good night, i learned a lot about life, my uncle, myself and learned i need to change. And maybe apply to work at costco?

Happy New Years.

Well, it's a new year and i'm a new person. Hah, not. I'm the same but i suppose since last year i have changed quite a lot. Time for a little self reflection. Well, starting off last year not going to jr year i decided to change. But it was to hard for me to change so i was the same ole me, quiet, shy, not saying hello to most people, kept things to myself, and didn't make a lot of "friends" Of course i knew people, but they weren't my "friends" whom always asked me to hang out. Girl wise i was quite crappy at it still, and i still am. Michelle and i didn't advance much because i didn't open up and talk to her about what was on my mind. This was mainly my fault, but i could say that it's somewhat her fault as well for not opening up to me when i opened up to her. I just couldn't.. meet a girl i could hang out with, nor could i actually get the balls to ask any girl out. I assume that for some reason i'm afraid of rejection. I'm putting the pussy on the pedestal right now, and before, but i can't change it because i don't have the confidence. I believe that once me being able to hook up with Michelle now it might boost my confidence a little bit. We shall see.

Onto some new news about Anna. So Anna lives in San Jose, and i live in the O.C. and there's a small group of people who play video games with me in San Jose. I met one fellow by the name of.. Trevor. Trevor is a cool guy, likes good music, easy going, just down to earth. So Trevor used to have a crush on Anna and i decided i should help him pursue his relationship with her since at that time i didn't care for her like i do now. Trevor tried hard, but the both of them just didn't click enough because Anna just did not have the attraction to him like he had for her. He tried hard to make it work, and she tried hard to make sure he knew it wouldn't happen. So in the end they just became friends. That's been a good solid two months or so and i guess Trevor has found a new found love. Her name is Beth and lives about 20 minutes from me. Odd right? He finds a girl that lives by me, and i find one that lives by him, how terrible is that? Well anyways, since my friend's girl deeply likes him he has decided to come down to LA to visit her. Along with him will come Anna. So... spring break, April 10th down will come the both of them on a plane ride down to LAX. I wish i could let them stay over here, but there's a big problem with that since not even my best friends have ever slept over at my house. I heard that they were going to buy a hotel.. i found that a little odd and hopefully they don't do anything. I trust Trevor and Anna, but i know Trevor had a thing for her. In my opinion Anna is a very cute good looking girl and any guy would be lucky to have her. His girl, Beth, will definitely keep him in line though. I'm very excited to see both of them, more so Anna, maybe i'll even lose my v-card to her i would really actually like that very much. I can't say that i could keep it in my pants if we were alone, especially since i've known her for so long.. i've definitely thought about it, what guy doesn't? I know Trevor already knows he wants to do Beth, but i'm not sure about that it could complicate things between them. I'm not saying that it won't with Anna and i, but i feel that our relationship is closer. Although i'm quite jealous of Trevor, Beth is way more into him than Anna is and shows it well. They call eachother and talk on the phone.. Anna never does that with me. I think that's exactly why i decided not to waste my time in going up there. She doesn't really show her affections for me well enough for me to want to spend 6 hours driving there. Well anywho, i'm quite excited but it's four months away and a lot could happen. We shall see, won't we? I'm going to wrap it up for tonight. Evening.