Sleep.

So I have problems sleeping, right now all i can do is think, think, think... I really don't know what is wrong with me. I try to sleep, but i can't. I lie in bed thinking of everything, life, Anna, work, school, money, and tomorrow - today rather.

Life for me right now sucks. I do the same exact routine every week, and there's nothing new, nothing out of the ordinary, nothing spontaneous, fun, exciting, absolutely nothing. Sunday i work, monday i go to school, then i go to work directly after, tuesday i go to school all day from 1-9, wednesday i go to school, then i go directly to work, thursday i go to school and have a 3 hour gap inbetween classes in which i catch up on homework due to the lack of time to do it any other time during the week. Friday, oh how i love but hate fridays, fridays are the only day i have off, but it's not like i do anything with my fridays. I pretty much wake up super late, sit around all day and sulk. Saturday, i work. Rinse and repeat this process. My life revolves around me working and going to school. I go to school because i have to, i really don't have a choice, if i don't then i lose my health benefits and my insurance. And since i'm so impatient with everything i do, i bought a car, i have to work, it is a must. If i do not work then i will not be able to pay for my car, and i will step into deep shit. All while my brother gets two free cars from my father, doesn't pay for really anything, and moved back in here and all he does is sit on his ass. While me on the other hand work 30+ hours a week, school fulltime, and still get harassed by my insane mother. My brother doesn't work that much, and only has two fucking classes, he somehow begs my dad for money and my dad gives him the money. Hard mother fucking life for him eh? I came to a realization that my life from here on out will suck immensely. I see no possibilities of it getting "better." I understand now, i understand that this is life, work, school, eat, sleep, and shit. All life is, is starting at a young age you go to school, then after school, you do more school, then after that set school, you do more school and then pick up a job to go along with school. Then you keep that job, and do more school, only to find a new job in which you have been schooling for your whole life. Now you're 25-30 and you've finally finished school for what you've always wanted to do, doctor. Congrats, you have now wasted 25-30 years of your life to become a doctor, to work some more! You lose your whole entire youth to schooling and working, only to work more? So you can provide for the next generation? So you can live at ease when you're 80? What the fuck is up with that. First of all, the generation before us sucked ass because they chose Bush. On top of that they put our economy in the biggest shit hole it's ever been in. Why the fuck do i want to live at ease when i'm 80, there's no point in living when you're 80. Hooray, you can ride around in a fucking wheel chair half dead playing checkers at an old home with a bunch of smelly fuckers. I don't see the point in life at all, it makes no sense to waste my fucking youth only to waste more of my time to live in peace.

Anna, now fuck her. I have no idea what is going on with me, and her. She is a complete and utter.. retard. She said i didn't try hard enough to see her, and that i should embrace life, yadda yadda yadda. She says she's picky, not spoiled. She says that i'm pushing her away. She says that i changed. Well wake the fuck up, guess why i changed? Because you're not picky, you're a spoiled picky brat. I tried to see you and you took that for granted too, like i didn't try hard enough, you spoiled picky brat. I'm pushing you away? Fuck yes i am, i want nothing to do with you anymore, i used to care, i used to want to know how you felt so i could help you. Now, you want to fuck with me? Well guess what, i don't give a fuck anymore, go cry to your ugly ass puppy dog cunt fuck, or your lesbian friend. Lie to me and tell me you're not into talking on the phone, while a few hours before that you are talking on the phone in a 3 way conversation trying to get trung on the phone too? Why not call me? Yeah fuck you. Complain that your life is so miserable because your mom and dad divorced and your dad is hard on you? Cry me a fucking river already, you spoiled picky brat. I'm done in trying to make it work, because in the end it won't, you don't want to put in the effort and i don't want to do all the work. Relationships aren't just one sided. I'm not going to waste my time on some young retard who can't even appreciate my support, love, and gifts. The hell with her, i deserve a mother fucking thank you and i don't get it. She said that she was a goal, and somehow if i got her, then i'm getting away from reality, my shitty life. And it could be true, i could be tring to get away from life, or i could be trying to get her as a goal or achievement in life. But i highly fucking doubt that. Before i actually realized anything, i truely did like her, a lot. But now it all clicked together, and i found out how much life really does suck, and how much she sucks too.

Well, i still can't sleep, and it's 5:00am, i need to get up at 8:00 so i can install my intake on my car. I'm pretty fucking stoked, but i want an exhaust too >.< i need to check my bank account. Good fucking night, i can't stand life anymore, i need a mother fucking girl i can take to the movies and talk to. Good fucking luck.

I can't change.

So i talked to Anna two nights ago and.. well it went somewhere, a little further than it has gone before. She got more.. in depth with talking about her and i as a couple. She's got problems expressing her emotions or love for me over the computer which is understandable. We've never met so we could act totally different around each other in person. But for me, there's something about her that always drags me back to her. Maybe it's because she gives me the attention i've never gotten from a girl before, or maybe it's because i actually do sincerely like her. I do worry about her too, last night her dad came into the room while she was doing homework and she left, then came back and said she was going to her moms and that was kinda it. So i'm guessing her dad yelled at her, or worse.. hopefully she's okay, i asked her around 2 or so if she was fine to make sure and she said she was safe. I lost some sleep thinking about if she was okay or not because she could say she's safe when she really isn't. I just know that this probably won't go anywhere merely because she can not do long distance relationships at all. She has a big problem accepting the fact she likes someone that lives 6 hours away that she's never met. In her words she feels as if "I'm in love with a computer" because that's the only way we communicate. It's depressing to know she's going through such a hard time and i can't be there next to her to comfort her and let her know how much i like her. I guess all it will ever be is just a friendship and nothing more, i should try finding a new girl to crush over.. Oh and i locked myself out of my work's office and i used a credit card not knowing if it would actually work, and it did. I picked a fucking lock with a credit card, it felt so badass. I'm one step closer to becomming a ninja theif stalker. Anywho, i saw this movie the other day, and i forgot it's name, but it was a documentry about Japanese Male Hosts, which is pretty much a strip club without the stripping. Women go there to get healed emotionally rather than physically. There's a ton of places to get sex or to get physical pleasure, but at this place the hosts rely on their way with words in seducing the girls into loving them. They drink a shit ton of champange, enough to make sure they don't live very long, they make tons of fucking cash, and their customers are actually relatively attractive women. The thing they pointed out was that the customers that come in are usually prostitutes that already get the sexual satisfaction because of their work, but they don't get the emotional healing from having a boyfriend. That's where the host comes in. I saw this and i immediately thought of george and i working as a host like that in japan. It sounds effing amazing. Anyways, i started this before school.. i need to get ready, later on party people.

No time.

Running out of time to keep this up, i'm just so busy now a days, work school, work school work work school.. My life is getting hectic and i can't control it, I have to work to pay for my car, and i have to school, it's not even questionable. Pretty much life has not changed and i don't know what i want to do with anything anymore. I just don't know... Anna and i will never work because well.. she just doesn't.. want it to work. Not only that, no relationship without physical touch is really hard to do. Michelle .. i have no clue what she's thinking or anything of that sort. Eh, i'm not really feeling it tonight so i'm just going to sum it up by saying my life is boring and stupid.

First Free Friday.

So this week i have started school, and my new work schedule and i've been pretty damn busy. Monday as stated previously i started off swimmingly by missing my first math class. So i went to school tuesday, and it was a little disappointing and boring. Firstly, i went to my English class, the first of the day, and there were no cute girls in it at all. I got let out early and had a ton of time to kill, so i went to the middle of the school where most of the action is and i saw my old friend Zack. I've known him since just about... Third grade and he's changed a lot over the years, he was super quiet and shy during elementary and junior high. Then he moved on into high school and bloomed into a crazy ladies man druggie. Any who, he's a pretty nice fellow and i spent some time catching up with him and then i saw the funniest thing i've seen in a while. There was a man, who looked oh about.. 35-40 possibly. And he was holding a sign, which i do not remember exactly what it said, but it had the word "Hell" in it. Anyways, i proceeded to move near the mob of people yelling at him and wanted to know what this was all about. I get near the crowd and they're definitely talking about God and religion. I ask a guy what they're fighting over and it turns out the retard with the sign is saying that everyone's a satanist. He's saying that God is not eternally merciful and our life right now is his mercy and once we die we go straight to hell. Somehow this guy think's he's amazing and that he himself is a saint so he will go to heaven. Everyone was yelling at him saying that he was crazy, that there was no such saying in the Bible. So it was pretty much a Jesus vs. Jesus battle to the death. He also had security guards hovering around him so no one could get in a clean punch or even get near him for that matter. His wife was there with their baby and a lady stepped in to look at the baby and say hi. Immediately a guard stepped in and pushed the lady away so she couldn't get near the baby, i laughed histerically at this. He somehow thought that this lady was going to bash the shit out of the baby with her water bottle. Now people might be a little angry this guy is on acid and calling everyone satanists, but no one is that fucked up to pound the crap out of a baby with a water bottle.

I moved on to my next class which was Psychology, and the teacher was pretty cool. His jokes were a little stale but still witty and funny. He said one that i laughed very hard at but a lot of others didn't seem to get it all that much. "My dog is blind, and when we take it out for walks i put red tape on his legs so people know he's blind." I found this hilarious which most poeple didn't really get it. I would also like to add that there were no cute girls in my psychology class and it had oh.. about 130 students in there, it's a huge lecture room. It seems like it might be a tough class, but for some reason i'm into psychology a lot and i like to realize my problems, and others problems and talk about it.

From there, i went to a classroom which was right next door into my Reading class. I enter and wait for everyone to arrive as i scope out the classroom. The class is small with about 24 people in it and there's not one good looking female in it either. I'm quite disappointed at another failure of getting cute girls in any of my classes.

The next day, wednesday i arrive to school and get into my math class, it's quite full with a lot of kids in it, and there's a few from school. I take a seat near the front middle of the class, and a good looking hispanic girl sits down in front of me, SCORE! I'm delighted to have someone cute sit in front of me, and i'm definite that math class will be one of my favorites. It's not just because there's actually a few attractive girls in it, it's because the teacher seems pretty cool, and i'm not going to have to try hard at all in the class. About mid way during the class, our teacher tells us to get in groups and says "You know, this is the time to get to know that person who you think is the cutest in the class." That said, the girl immediately infront of me turns around and asks to make a group with her, and i immediately said yes. I probably should've been my normal self and said "No", then replied with a yes sarcasitcally but she caught me off guard because she's very attractive. I invite the guy sitting behind me to join the group and we get to work. She's struggling with math but does a better job in it than me, and i find out she went to sunny hills, and knows two of my friends from la habra. Both of which are good looking guys with pretty good personalities so it's going to be a tough fight to beat that. Anyways, i'm not sure if anything will come of it, and i'm not expecting much, but we shall see in the future.

Today, friday, i meet up with Michelle around 3 and we go out to lunch. Same ol' Michelle, boring, talks about boring stuff in which i don't have interest in, looks cute though. She directs me to a Pho restaraunt and we get a beef pho. As i break my pho virginity, i'm deeply disappointed, i pretty much have heard only great things about pho and this sucked. This makes me dislike Michelle even more because she has such poor taste in food. There is no way in hell i would take someone here, especially because it has a B. Now B's are okay, but come on, it's not hard to get an A. We get done there, and we go to get a crepe at some chinese place. I spot a cute girl inside and immediately think to myself, why couldn't i be with her!? I order my crepe and it's decent, nothing that amazing and once again, disappointed. I take her back home because she has to get to work and give her a hug goodbye, after we hug, she stares at me and i am caught a little off guard. I of course turned away and said by, when i realize a split second later she wanted to kiss. Something is definitely wrong with me, because for some reason i will not randomly kiss a girl unless i know she wants to kiss too. And i want to know that by confirming with her that she wants to as well. It's probably a huge turn off to ask "Okay, do we kiss now?" But i don't want to do anything to brash and force myself on her and regret it later. I for some reason live my life with a lot of regrets and i need to change that. I don't know exactly what is wrong and i don't know exactly how to change it. But what i see is that i have no self confidence and i'm definitely afraid of rejection. I think to much about small things, and i have no confidence to do certain things, like look a girl in the eye if i think she's cute. There's just something really really wrong with me and i need to fix it somehow. I get home and fall asleep then go hang out with greg and brandon for a little while. Brandon takes off to a party hosted by my first actual girlfriend and i decline to go. Greg and i roam around a bit and look for this drink called Vault, supposively from what Brandon said, it's Surge reincarnated. Now you might not know what Surge is, but it's the most amazing soda ever made, and they discontinued it in 2002, and they only had it at Chuck-e-Cheese. So needless to say, i missed it a lot. We went to five 7-11's, albertsons, and a CVS. CVS was our final destination and we find it there and rejoice! I try it, and it's delicious, but it's not Surge, it's a little more citrus'y than Surge. I get home and talk a bit to Anna, and i become depressed because i want her so badly, but i can't have her and she won't even throw me a rope. She doesn't express her emotions about me to me, so i am just guessing she thinks of me as a friend and only a friend. All the while, i'm over here having my heart torn up still because i can't help but have fallen for her. I try to ignore it and just give up on it, but it's hard to let go. Hopefully i can meet someone new to have a good time with to make me forget about her. Good night.

Busy.

Well, i've been pretty busy seeing as how i haven't posted in a few days, let me sum them up for you. Saturday, i went to work, sunday, i went to work, monday, earlier today, i missed school because i'm very well educated and smart and set my alarm clock to 11:00 PM.. Yeah, so i woke up around 1:50~ and i got ready and left for work around 3. I sent an email to my teacher telling him i got a flat tire on the freeway and missed my class because i didn't have a spare, blah blah. Work was... blegh, not to great. I work from 4-10, not very many hours, but it pays. So i ended up staying there til 12:30~ and i just got home. The drive to LA is not that great, nor is the drive home. There was a crazy hobo beaner who jumped out at me in the middle of the street and i had to swerve out of the way. Ah good ole' LA retarded hobos! Anyways, i missed my first day of school.. kinda need to kick it into gear, so i'm going to leave it short. Oh, and i'm somehow going to go to Disneyland with Kathy? I forgot what i named her. Anyways, that should be draining... a whole day alone with a girl i don't really have an interest in. Dream on.

LA.

So, today was my first day working out of the LA office for Krypt.com. What a different work space, and atmosphere. I learned more than i ever have at the LA office than i have at the Orange office. The first day was just getting a little settled in then they put me straight to work, and showed me how to make a SAN, set up a switch, and so much more. I like it a lot at LA except for the fact that LA as a "city" sucks ass. Firstly, it takes me a bit longer to get to LA than to Orange, and Orange is a nicer city, with less... Hobos and crack fucks. LA has a lot of one way streets, with retarded monkeys who can't drive worth shit. And i have to PAY for my parking which is pretty much about 1hour of my work. Not to mention tonight i had to pay $12 bucks instead of $7 to some dip fuck beaner who wasn't even at his job. This mother fucker posted a sign "Be back in 10 minutes." And i was sitting there for 20. He comes back and says sorry, i have my $7 dollars and my ticket, hand it to him and he looks at the time i got in. 2:47pm. He says "It's actually going to be $12 dollars instead of $7." I am like "What the fucking hell, it says $7 all day." He points to the sign and says "Yeah only til 12am." I'm fucking pissed, "YOU'RE KIDDING ME?! I was waiting here for fucking 20 minutes you retarded dip fuck cunt nigger bean, and you want to penalize me for your absense at YOUR job? No fucking way." He wouldn't let me go unless i paid him the $12 dollars so i buckled down and paid. I got home around 1:00am~ and went to pick up george and get to the gym, we catch up on things. And then we hit the del taco, oh it's greatness. Yeah it would make sense to work out, and then put a bunch of fat shit in you to make it worthless? Right? As i walk in the house, my phone vibrates, i figure it's Greg and he left something in my car. So i set my food down and look at it, and who is it? Michelle, yep that's right Michelle. Now prior to this text, she talked to me earlier in the evening and said she was at UCR and she was going to find a ride home tomorrow, i said good luck and she never said anything back. Her message said "Yesh I fucked szs." Now, i'm no jeanuz, but i'm almost positive Yesh, and szs are not real words of the english alphabet. So i replied "You fucked szs? Had a bit to drink did we?" And i got no reply, i figured she might not be drunk enough to notice she sent the wrong text to the wrong person. Anywho, i have to figure out some shit for my sister so she doesn't epic fail for her class tomorrow. Good night, or morning.

What should I do.

Hmmm, I'm trying to think what I should do in my current situation. Michelle talked to me today, and i feel like she finally opened up to me a little bit. Her life at home is pretty strict seeing as her dad doesn't let her go out late at night, and nor does she get to drive her car to many places. Her dad paid some money to get surgery on their dog, and bought a nice ring for his girlfriend. Michelle's car is in crappy shape from what she's said, the engine is in bad condition, when it hits 65 it starts losing stability, and the power steering is leaking. For some reason he won't put up any money to help fix her car, or help her in giving her her cousin's email / phone number.

My words get pretty jumbled up when i talk to her, and i'm not that witty or funny when i do talk to her either. But she definitely does not want any type of relationship at all right now, but i don't know how she feels about a hook up buddy. Maybe she'd want that, and maybe she wouldn't, but it would be awesome if she chose me as that hook up buddy if she did indeed want one. I think, physically she's got a great body. Her face is.. semi cute, overall i give her a 6. Her stomach is very tight, she's small, has decently sized breasts, but her neck is weird. The neck is a little short, and her left eye is a little smaller than the right. I could look past these things seeing as how her body is in amazing shape. I think i'm going to keep talking to her, to see what she really wants and then just finally ask her if she wants to fuck when / if i know it's right. I don't really mind losing my virginity to her because i think she's a cool girl. Definitely not girlfriend material, but cool enough for me to respect her at least. I do care about who i lose my virginity to, and i don't want it to be a one night stand. But it's not so big as to she has to be the right one, or wait til marriage. I'm not religious at all, and i actually despise most religion.

Today has been pretty boring, and this is the last week of my winter break, also the last week of my work schedule. Hopefully it will change and i can get one weekend off to do some partying / hanging out. Or maybe i can finally meet a girl at school and build up enough courage to ask her out and get denied. Tomorrow, ergh, rather today, i start work at LAX because i might be working there a few days out of the week. I might pursue this job as my career and get Cisco Certified and all of that mumbo jumbo, because it fits me. I like sitting on my ass all day working with computer type stuff. Now i do not have a "passion" or "love" for this stuff, but it's better than working my ass off for minimum wage. If i can make 100,000 - 300,000 a year, i will be a happy mother fucker, and if i get older, make even more than that if i play my cards right i can provide for not only myself, but my future family. Now i think i have my head screwed on tight, and i really am looking somewhat into my future. Right now i spend my money on my car payments, food, and extra parts for my car. But hopefully once i'm done fixing up my car, i can start saving money to move out and buy a condo.